tim roth FIFA

FIFA Latest: Execs “turned down bribes” to see United Passions

Evidence revealed in the ongoing FBI investigation into FIFA has shown that senior level executives turned down multi-million dollar bribes to see United Passions. Senior officials declined to put themselves through the sheer pain of a 100-minute exercise in pomp and vanity, it is alleged. In its opening weekend, the film raked in just under $200,000 worldwide and only $607 in the US, having been produced…

Labour rosette

Next Labour Leader Must Appeal to Voters’ ‘Inner Bastard’

If the next leader of the Labour party is to stand any chance of becoming Prime Minister, he or she must appeal to the British public’s inner sense of behaving like a total bastard, according to a leading think tank. Barry Barry, Bastard-in-Chief from the Institute for Bastards, said: “The next Labour leader could be a slimy bastard, a calculating…

policemen

Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe accused of “fat shaming” plus-sized policemen

The Met Police Commissioner has been criticised for fuelling a stigma against overweight police officers after slamming the fitness test – which only became compulsory in September – for being too lenient. Plus-sized campaigners have labelled Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe’s comments “irresponsible”, accusing the police chief of alienating a large portion of his workforce. Barry, 42, a policeman who weighs in…

God in prison

God sentenced to two years for trolling mankind

God has been sentenced to two years in prison after being found guilty of continuously abusive trolling. Though he plead guilty, the judge looked unfavourably upon God after the deity was caught sniggering in the stands during a stark confession that Isis was the product of a lengthy bender with Moses and Mohammed. God tried to argue that Isis had been a…

Doctor Who Screwdriver SHAME

Doctor SHAMED after sonic screwdriver found to be made by kids in Taiwanese sweatshop

The sonic screwdriver proudly wiggled around by the Twelfth Doctor is put together in ‘sweatshop’ conditions by children earning 23 pence AN HOUR. This is the space gadget used time and again by the Doctor to cowardly flee from a host of sticky situations. The same can’t be said for the thousands of kids working up to 38 hours per day to make it. Said one sweatshopper: “He made us work…