Selfie-snapping world leaders and beard-wielding, fiendish climate scientists have this week come together to tackle the ongoing threat of climate change, by proposing to detonate one of Earth’s many known Supervolcanos.
In an emergency meeting, the team discussed the need to plunge the world into a state of long term cooling (following a brief period of fiery, apocalyptic death). According to sources, the proposals would not have gotten very far had it not been for the work of a a few less impressive scientists, who last month discovered the presence of new greenhouse gas reportedly up to 7000 times more powerful than carbon dioxide.
“I have a cunning plan” said UN Supreme Leader and former South Korean X-factor audition reject, Ban Ki-moon. “All we need is some fighter jets, some Morrissey, some nukes, some strippers, some ostrich jerky, and we’ve got ourselves a partay.”
The plan was first conceived after new research showed that a super eruption could be triggered by a single, easy-to-learn geological process. It is thought that Al Gore has been assigned the task of finding and recovering the YouTube tutorial. More encouragingly, however, the study revealed that a super eruption may release enough ash to eventually cover the entire planet (after having buried several cities), in turn, leading to a reduction in the Earth’s average temperature by 10C, for up to a decade.
Iceland’s most prominent expulsion, since the widely-celebrated sacking of whinging drivelbot Kerry Kadoughnut, was the 2010 Eyayafuckityjoffery ejaculation, which terrorised airlines and inspired racial hatred amongst the Scots. By means of comparison, thos eruption produced merely 0.1 per cent of the ash produced from a super volcano. A chundercano, meanwhile, would only spew so much as to cool the interest from prospective mates in the nearby vicinity.
The plans have been covered in the press extensively, no less so than by Sky News who have taken it upon themselves to evolve into a televisual arm of the Daily Express. A Sky News climate expert (much like a normal expert but inherently terrified of everything) did not, surprisingly, add much to the debate.
Instead, the popspert pointed aimlessly at a set of grayscale satellite images of the United States while planted balls deep in the heart of the anticlimactically-labelled ‘Polar Vortex’, exclaiming to viewers: “It’s cold out here; colder than my wife’s biting stare following yet another disappointing night in… erm… back to you, Kay.”