According to political analysts, French president Francois Hollande “pillow talked” his way through a controversial press conference in which he baffled hungover journalists with philosophical declarations and anecdotes about his penis, Gerard. 

Many originally believed the press conference – which followed Closer first divulging details surrounding the President’s shaganigans – was to be held in order for Hollande to exercise ‘bragging rights’, having engaged in private social interface with professional pretender Julie Gayet.

But reporters were left outraged as Hollande instead decided to use the opportunity to voice concerns about such trivial issues as the economy, and foreign affairs. Some journalists were irritated by Holland’s refusal to aggressively insert his private life into the public domain. Others, on the other hand, were delighted; decrying en mass: “put it away Mr President.”

Générique Francaishome, a political commentator said: “The President was clearly in a state of post-coital haziness, as you could tell by his vacant stare and bizarre fascination with discussing such abstract notions as domestic policy.”

He added: “Yes, Ms Gayet was just a little bit hiding beneath a rug, having been clinically swept beneath it. We have it on good (enough) authority that the president had just finished cleaning himself off by the time the camera crews arrived. Unfortunately, rugs are not very good hiding places. “

Meanwhile, a transcript constructed from audio logs obtained via the NSA has shed some light onto the moment Gayet and Gerard made first contact. Unfortunately, according to an interpreter, most of the words were indiscernible from what she disturbingly referred to as “Le President’s love grunts”.

It was also established that Hollande spent considerable time boasting about a new line of homemade condoms, Match à l’extérieur, set to launch in May; of which the origins were inspired by a recent viewing of L’Anchorman 2. “75% of the time,” he told his lover, “it works every time.”