Under the proposals, the government would make a £2 billion investment in 2017, raising funds by way of bake sales, naked calenders, and topless car washes exclusively performed by Balls himself. They would then sell the entire wallet in late 2020.
It is believed Labour has drawn inspiration from the United States, which was revealed in December 2013 to hold the largest global Bitcoin wallet, roughly estimated to be worth $86 million.
The Shadow Chancellor, who himself is subject to the internet sensation ‘Ed Balls Day’, cryptically announced via a series of Vines: “So economy. Wow,” adding: “such invest, very growth. Wow. So Ed Balls.”
Meanwhile, the Shadow Chancellor-in-waiting George Osborne, who is unable to appear in daylight for more than several minutes at a time, dismissed the proposals, saying “it would be madness to rely on such a variable, unreliable source of income.”
Osborne added: “We saw the biggest economic collapse under the previous Labour government, which was entirely down to a mixture of overborrowing, and an unhealthy reliance on the banking, and housing sectors.”
“The growth we are seeing today is entirely down to our long term economic plan – the rewards of which we are reaping from a mixture of overborrowing, and an unhealthy reliance on the banking, and housing sectors.”
But in a surprise twist, the Prime Minister has declared a U-turn. The coalition government countered Labour’s proposals by announcing a £3 billion investment into Coinye, a cryptocurrency deemed ‘priceless’ for its remarkable capacity to irritate perpetually out of tune professional noisemaker, and idiot, Kanye West.
Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment, as he is currently filling in for Bert on set of Sesame Street. The troubled muppet was admitted to rehab in January for a crystal cookie addiction.