There’s a certain sort of art that goes into making a students’ union video which isn’t utter rubbish. Loughborough Students’ Union (LSU) perhaps best exemplified this with the release of the abominable lip-synch cringe-fest that was its Exec Song 2013.
For reference, if our Sabbatical and part-time officers took it upon themselves to release such a kick-in-the-teeth display of a happy-clappy students’ union love-in, given our existing problems, I would probably be moved enough by rage to set off an “accidental fire” in Sarah Sarwar’s office.
The season of bullshit often sees numerous attempts at creating self-indulgent YouTube-hosted personal evaluations, in an attempt to divert attention from nonsensical, ill-thought policies. While manifestos allow you to choose whether or not you wish to read their sickeningly life-affirming principals, campaign videos expect you to sit tight while you’re subjected to awkwardly parroted back populist promises and painful muggy smiles.
Uni ON | Team Video
There are simply no words to describe the thought process these eight individuals must have been going through when they finally rubber-stamped the following monstrosity of a campaign video as “a good idea.” (skip to 2/12 – The Rise of Uni ON – the rest are okay.)
Yes, the dying wish of a man pretending to be 60-year-old Nigerian father of one (who apparently still takes out a student loan) was for his son, the QMSU presidential candidate Dola, to bring down the food prices at Queen Mary. After a minor existential crisis, Dola’s father spits out a saying so powerful it rivals Spider-man for the source of the most inspirational comic book quote: “Not everybody is born a hero. But sometimes it just works out like that.”
And so Dola, stricken with grief, decides to bring down the cost of food on campus by gathering the six students closest to him to perform an a cappella rendition of “I’ll be there with you” by the Rembrandts which, thankfully, only goes out of tune twice.
Megan Morrison-Sloan | Act Now candidate for VP Welfare
Ever wonder what a post-apocalyptic world run by out of work Australian newscasters might look like?
Megan Morrison-Sloan’s YouTube announcement threw convention out the window, as her campaigning team put together the most bizarre, and hilarious, cringe-inducing mock newscast. The underlying joke behind the video appears to be so elaborate, that at this very moment of writing, 14 days following the video’s release, I still can’t quite figure it out. To be honest I was more interested in hearing about the Koalas.
Update: It was divulged to me by Megan’s slatemate Courtney Cross that the song playing in the background is Elvis Presley’s 19 hit “A little less conversation” picked for the use of the lyric “a little more action please.” SO MANY LAYERS.
Sara Ramjean | Independent candidate for Multicultural Rep
Hey. I don’t know you. And this is crazy. That’s all I have.
Sara Ramjean, who prides herself on collecting cultures like Pokemon, is probably the first candidate not to demand my vote, but instead to politely request it. “Vote for me maybe?” Erm. Er. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Courtney Cross | Act Now candidate for President
When Courtney Cross openly invited me to review her campaign video, I really didn’t know what to expect. Was it some sort of ironic “come at me” gesture of indifference, or another sub-meta Oceanic newscast? Or was something much, much worse…
Well, to be honest. this is perhaps one of the least offensive campaign videos out there. Sure, second-rate song covers aren’t fantastic, especially when combined with a rehashed set of lyrics. But, while there isn’t a particularly high production quality, Courtney doesn’t shove terrible policies into my face, nor forge unworkable metaphors for the sake of trying to be cool. I actually enjoyed the optimism, and I plan to to savour it before her spirits are mercilessly crushed within her first week “in power” as students’ union chair-occupier.
Wanda Canton | Unity candidate for President
Presidential candidate Wanda Canton released her YouTube video relatively early on. There’s nothing particularly innocuous about it, as it essentially serves as an animated, dancing version of her manifesto.
That is, aside from some choice words used by Queen Latifah from the overlaying 1993 hit “U.N.I.T.Y” It’s in the name, I guess.
Nell Burnham | Independent candidate for Women’s Rep
Aside from the fact the video doesn’t really show me much of Nell Burnham besides her right arm, it somehow tugs at the heartstrings in a manner I can’t explain.
Sure, that may be down to the use of copyrighted music, but it’s probably more to do with the use of copyrighted music, mixed with the heart-breaking tales of destitute and the glimmers of virtue the candidate exudes.
Nell’s video managed to keep me gawping at the screen long enough for me to watch her right arm scribble out her motives, ambitions, and (rare for a campaign video) her policies. Ultimately, it was quite moving. So I may be a soulless hack-like political cauldron-stirrer. But I’m human too. I can feel.
Maverick | Team Video
It’s a brave decision to forget to release a campaign video, especially if you’re a major slate running in a students’ union election. It’s an even braver decision to release your campaign video on the last day of voting, two hours before the polling stations close. But then again, I guess Maverick don’t play by the rules.
What you’re about to watch absolutely epitomises the concept of the slick, electioneering PR-machine – as if these overcoat-donning, mavericks resembling the cast of a Teen X-files spin-off hired a (comically aware) Tony Blair to direct it himself. This really does take students’ union campaigning to the next level.
Just sit back, and let the clouds roll by. (No seriously – clouds).
Let it be known to the records that this post has been endorsed by my new housemates the Maverick slate. All eight of them. We all live in a tiny flat in Canary Wharf plotting schemes and hatching plans to win glorified popularity contests.
They offered (between themselves) to finish my degree for me so that I didn’t have to. I would like to apologise to all the candidates I may have upset, the electorate, and myself. I won’t do it again, I promise. No, really.
Stay tuned for live coverage of the Drapers Results Party, tonight from 7pm.
If you wish to complain, then just sheepishly confront me in Library Square, like a number of goons did this afternoon. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to listen to absolutely everything you have to say about why your opinions are wrong.