The NHS is totally unsustainable, say ministers who decide on its funding

Following a litany of reports that a serious lack of funding has led to continuous crises in the National Health Service, the only people with the power to decide how money the NHS is allocated have unanimously agreed there is no way to prevent the NHS from hurtling towards a financial disaster. “The NHS is broke; unsustainable; and there’s nothing we can…

Days of Future Past deletes Brett Ratner from history

This post contains mild spoilers. The Rush Hour director Brett Ratner has been missing presumed eliminated from our timeline following the release of Bryan Singer’s X-men retcon revamp Days of Future Past last week. Mr Ratner’s sudden disappearances has not yet been explained, though some believe the overwhelming shame of having almost ruined the entire X-men franchise, only…

Coalition plans to privatise Nick Clegg

Rumours have emerged from within the Cabinet of secret plans to privatise Nick Clegg’s role in the wake of his party’s disastrous performance in the recent European and local elections. Documents, leaked by a Liberal Democrat insider, showed that the coalition are looking for a third party to provide “an individual willing to stand in David…

Thailand coup throws thousands of Gap Years into disarray

Confusion has been cast upon summer plans for thousands of gap year hopefuls following the military coup in Thailand, in which the army took control from the Government this week. A military spokesperson said: “The pen is mightier than the sword. But we have guns. And we had to retake control; we needed to do something to…

Hardcore Labour supporter gets drunk, votes Green

A lifelong Labour Party member has accidentally voted for the Green Party in today’s European Parliament and Local Council Elections, after drinking himself into a stupor, it has emerged. Having downed a bottle of Grey Goose in the early hours of Thursday morning to mentally prepare himself for the odorous task of voting once more for a…

Former racist struggling to make white friends

A former white supremacist has been struggling to relate with his white peers of late; a problem he has been experiencing since he decided to relinquish his prejudicial views last October. Mr Kyle Yardey, an East Anglian asparagus cultivator, decided to distance himself from his views after learning that his local pub would not serve a…