london hipster 2Earth-shattering findings have suggested that the vast majority of Central London is littered with dickheads, at a peak saturation rate of 93 per cent.

Dr Robert Trounce, who spent four months observing the area, said: “After spending half an hour exploring the district I was elbowed twice, spat at once, and called a ‘bell end’ by a sixteen-year-old doing work experience at Lloyds.”

“Though the houses and flats are mostly empty, those that are occupied mostly tend to house groups including over-privileged UCL freshers who haven’t yet ‘found themselves’, clean-cut metrosexual financiers, and socialist neohipsters who think they’re too cool for Shoreditch.”

But the results have contravened a rival study conducted in 2010, which adversely concluded that, in fact, 96 per cent of the city centre is populated by dickheads.

Dr Maxine Mastwell, who led the 2010 team, argued that her study was far more extensive, coving a wider perimeter; reaching up to, and including, the South Bank; taking into account the numbers of sunglass-wearing Riverwankers that fannied about the Thames.

She added: “The 2014 study is perhaps more contemporarily accurate. But when it comes down to it, I think we can all agree that London is full of twats.”

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