Coalition plans to privatise Nick Clegg

cleggg selfieRumours have emerged from within the Cabinet of secret plans to privatise Nick Clegg’s role in the wake of his party’s disastrous performance in the recent European and local elections.

Documents, leaked by a Liberal Democrat insider, showed that the coalition are looking for a third party to provide “an individual willing to stand in David Cameron’s shadow; one who is prepared to take all the flak for his terrible ideas; one who is willing to allow him to take all the credit for his/her good ones. A willingness to take selfies is a must.”

One senior coalition minister said: “Usually I stand against privatisation. It is sort of like lobbing off bits of yourself and tossing them aside. But in this case, it’s more lobbing off a nasty growth that will not otherwise go away.”

Added questions over the well being of the deputy Prime Minister appear to have factored into the decision to marketise his job.

It is believe that Clegg’s overt public cheeriness in light of his party’s absolute electoral collapse has raised overwhelming concerns among the medical community that he may be showing symptoms of late stage early onset dementia.

Omniproviders G4S will take up its customary role as front runners in the race to win the latest Government contracts, having already been signed on to provide ambulance services, police services, Olympic security staff (which worked really well by the way), and border protection for the establishment at the cost of the taxpayer.

Meanwhile, a Labour backbencher has called for Nick Clegg to keep his job as Liberal Democrat leader, adding: “Can Nick run the other parties too?”

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