lutfurThe incumbent Tower Hamlets Mayor Luftur Rahman has declared himself the Lord Captain of a new Tower Hamlets Republic, having stormed the recent mayoral elections with a 347% share of the vote. 

This breakaway from the United Kingdom has arisen following a five-day vote counting period in which the ballots were counted, tallied, recounted, put to one side, recounted, and finally declared, before being recounted again, and declared a second time.”If Scotland can do it, then why can’t we?” said a chirpy supporter.

Despite concerns over the economic prosperity of the Tower Hamlets Republic, the Rahman administration has heralded the thriving chicken shop industry as a pillar of the area’s future sustainability.

One member of the Electoral Commission took a moment from her daily thumb twiddle to speak out. She said: “We would like to ensure the general public not to worry about the events in Tower Hamlets that may or may not have transpired over the previous few days, or weeks, or years. Such a slow process is necessary to deal with the vast number of votes processed. A turnout of 653% was unprecedented, but should be celebrated as a victory for democracy in the face of apathy.”

She added: “Sure, Lord Captain Rahman may have gotten an unusual percentage share of the vote; but we had to ensure he did indeed hit 347%, and not 37.4%, or 62%, or any one of the other numbers. I will admit it got so hard at one point that we considered phoning up Putin to sort it all out, but we got there in the end.”

But some demacratophilic residents have since criticised the conduct of the borough’s electoral process. Reports were saturated with allegations of intimidation from campaigners, and fears of electoral fraud. Witnesses even told of how the police would watch on as some party supporters crowded polling booths; teaching women how to vote for the right candidate innocently standing by minding their own affairs.

A spokesperson for Lord Captain Mayor Rahman said: “This is not a Banana Republic. Don’t be so stupid. We don’t even grow bananas here. I don’t think that this is possible. It rains too often in Tower Hamlets for this sort of nonsense.”

Meanwhile, a band of Tower Hamlets First supporters are saying the Lord Captain Admiral Mayor First of his Name plans to construct a 13-story tower over the Mile End tube station from discarded chicken bones and crisp packets.