Once you’ve been spat from the bubble, you’d do anything to get back in. Anything.

Last week saw Queen Mary stage its annual East London Higher Education Convention in association with UCAS (the number one source of frustration for sixth formers up and down the country). Thousands of schoolchildren, grins sickeningly stretched across their putridly cheerful faces, waltzed in and around the college grounds oohing and ahing like mindless kittens being flashed with the dull glint of a 99p laser pointer. Then it…

Isis submits bid to host 2026 FIFA World Cup

Less than a week since its conception, the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isis) has officially launched a bid to host the 2026 FIFA World Cup. The Islamic State’s incumbent Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi confirmed plans for an Islamic bid, while taking a break from beheading his chief of staff for telling him he looked a bit chubby in…

Standing around doing not very much declared best use of police time

The Metropolitan Police has officially confirmed that its police officers best serve the public when told to loiter around disabled people with their hands in their pockets. About 100 campaigners from the group Disabled People Against Cuts (Dpac) staged an occupation outside Westminster Abbey on Saturday afternoon. They were protesting against the closure of the Independent Living Fund (ILF), which is supports approximately…

Festival-goers still definitely, totally, 100% enjoying Glastonbury

As mustering storms overshadow Glastonbury’s bright start, fans have lurched forward to let the world know that they are still having a totally awesome time at the annual(ish) music festival. The festival will be subject to storms and torrential rain on Saturday with the worst to come at 1pm, according to the Met Office, with fears that the Pixies…

Thou shalt not double-up on machine coffee, and other lessons I failed to learn at the Guardian

I wasn’t sure how to cover my time at the Observer on this weekly no-longer-being-a-student column, or whether the experience was worth broadcasting at all. I could have hashed together a detailed two-week report – but there are more entertaining, meticulously-crafted equivalents out there. I suppose I could have whipped up a local/national newspaper head-to-head (as I’ve lined up two weeks at the Ham & High to…

We are not getting vanishing free-kick spray, say British wives

British housewives, girlfriends and life partners alike have come together to rule out the possibility of purchasing a household can of the vanishing free-kick spray used by FIFA referees during this summer’s footballing tournament.  The official spokesperson for British wives said: “We are not sorry. There is absolutely no way that will be putting up with such pointless, gimmicky,…