Christian fundamentalist admits he has no idea what Jesus would do

redneckIn a development that is sure to shake the foundations of Christianity itself, a religious fanatic has admitted that he has no idea what Jesus would do, if the prophet himself was around today to make decisions on others’ behalf.

Texas-born Brick Krusnick, 52, has been a devout Christian from birth, and has lived his fruitful life under the guise that he knew exactly what Jesus would do when faced with any sort of dilemma – from deciding whether or not order extra fries with his burger, to contemplating whether or not to take back roadkill raccoon for Sunday lunch or leave it to rot in the ditch.

The ranch owner made the discovery when asking himself what Jesus would do after spilling a bowl of fruit loops at 2pm last Friday. But Krusnick soon realised that fruit loops were most likely not around in Jesus’ time. This took the Texan on a train of thought which would change his life.

Krusnick said: “Well I gave it some thought, you know, and I sort of realised that I’d never actually met Jesus, or spoken with him, or knew what he looked like, and all I ever read from Jesus was from one book, that I haven’t even probably read cover-to-cover. So, I mean, yeah, ‘what would Jesus do’, and he’d probably do this, or that, but really I.. I have no idea.”

“Jesus Christ, son of God taught us many lessons, bless him, such as turn the other cheek when somebody tries to shoot your tyres out, oh, and though shalt not bed your neighbour’s wife, or daughter, or though shalt not kill too many raccoons on a hot summer’s day. Also, it was Jesus who taught us to be accepting of all peoples from all faiths, and backgrounds, and the like. Oh – except gays.”

 

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