Death arrived quickly for a local Willesden-born superhero last night only 30 minutes into his first shift as the self-declared Guardian of the Peace for the London Borough of Brent; a job title he created for himself.
Captain Crimeka Trevor Schultz, a former violent criminal, had spent the previous decade in a tightly-guarded psychiatric hospital. He had formerly been given seven life-sentences for committing numerous armed robberies and murdering three victims by bludgeoning them to death with their own respective right shoes.
He avoided maximum security by pleading insanity, but was recently moved to an open prison after somehow convincing a parole board that he had learned from his mistakes and definitely wouldn’t bludgeon anybody to death with their own footwear ever again.
Mr Schultz, however, had been devising a cunning plan since his imprisonment to escape from the confines of such a low security facility.
In an effort which made Andy Dufrense look like Michael Scott, Captain Crime finally took the plunge and wandered from the confines of the open prison to the outside world without so much as a care. As a bonus, the prison break went almost entirely unnoticed as no prison guard particularly minded that he was leaving an open facility.
It is thought that the burden of guilt prevented him from returning to his previous life style of watching Jeremy Kyle in the middle of the day and drinking vodka from a sippy cup. And so – Schultz took it upon himself to become the Guardian of Peace for the London Borough of Brent – in a bid to repent for his previous crimes (i.e. crushing his late victims’ skulls with the soles of their converses).
On his first patrol, Captain Crime saw, from afar, a mugger in the process of stealing a schoolboy’s iPhone 4. As it turned out, the mugger decided to renege on the transaction after the schoolboy managed to convince him that Apple would no longer be providing adequate security support following the release of iOS8. Having apologised for his mistake, the thief turned to find a costumed Schultz ready to take him on.
Witnesses, mulling about nearby, saw a light scuffle ensue before the thief drew a blade and ended the encounter prematurely. Among possessions found with Captain Crime’s corpse was a list of one liners he had been working on the night before, including witticisms ‘looks like the shoe’s on the wrong foot,’ and, ‘about time somebody stepped in.’
Shortly before his death, Trevor Schultz told pedestrians standing beside the crime scene: “This is my gift. This is also my curse. Who am I? I can’t tell you because I don’t quite know myself.”
Trevor was stabbed three minutes later.