global warmingFollowing a series of worrying reports that the global climate situation is deeply worsening, climate change sceptics have urged that the only way to avoid a worldwide catastrophe is to unshackle ourselves from the chains of science.

Conservatives, Republicans, and libertarians alike have united to declare that enough is enough, with calls for humanity to stop collecting data on the earth’s changing climate, as such facts may blanket them with wafer-thin layers of residual guilt.

Those at the helm of corporations whose longevity relies on the consumption or distribution of fossil fuels have been made unhappy at being told, by those who know what they’re talking about, that their actions are directly leading to the eventual deaths of millions.

Brett Tucker, an oil tycoon from the Midwest, said: “I read somewhere that 97% of all scientists supported these weird notions of climate change, which is ridiculous. How dare they. If climate change was real, and I was basically making money from making it worse, then I couldn’t make any more money. So there’s no way it’s real.”

“On the one hand these science types say ‘you shouldn’t sell so much oil, we need more investment in green technologies yada yada’ and then on the other hand they drive cars, and use buses, and whatever. Basically, they’re just in it for themselves.”

Meanwhile a climate change denier from Texas, who momentarily removed his fingers from his ears to provide comment, said: “I disagree that the climate is changing. It’s always been a bit hot. Even when it’s not as hot, it’s still always quite hot. I spend most of my time outdoors. Maybe these scientists should get out of their labs once in a while.”

He added: “Don’t get me started on polar bears running out of ice. I don’t buy the argument that wildlife needs to be ‘preserved’. If these polar bears were Goddamn clever, and so worth ‘preserving’, they’d create some freezers and make some new ice for themselves now, wouldn’t they. I think it’s quite condescending towards the polar bears to be honest.”

Another sceptic from California spoke out to reiterate that there is no chance whatsoever that the humanity’s over-reliance on burning fossil fuels has led to visibly rising sea levels, suggesting “we didn’t have cars when Atlantis was around.”