Guardian columnist runs out of things to say

Sad ManAlarming news from Kings Place; emerging reports have suggested that a long-term Guardian columnist has finally run out of opinions, and will no longer be able to fulfil his weekly writing duties.

The writer, who prefers to remain nameless, said: “I have no idea what could have happened to me. One night I went to bed furious at the fact that Michael Gove is still, somehow, in a position which allows him to make important decisions, while simultaneously rocking out to a stream of the new 50 Cent album.”

“I tuned into the Today show upon waking the next morning, only to realise that I just could not bring myself to care any more about pretty much anything. But it didn’t stop there. This, allegedly, glorious sunshine we’ve been having? Meh. My reasonably heated bowl of porridge? Neither great, nor particularly tasteless.”

This terrifying development sets a dangerous precedent, with fellow opinion writers now suddenly in fear of following suit; potentially running out of things to say.

One writer from the Telegraph, who finds time to put together a fortnightly column about how frustrating it is to be right about everything all the time, said: “These are dark times for us opinionites. Thankfully I can just about pick a side of the fence over just about anything, convincing my readers to trust me entirely, even when it is abundantly clear that I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.”

He added: “If myself, and my fellow columnists, no longer have any opinions, will the Earth stop spinning? It’s difficult to say. Without us able to write about it, I guess we’ll never know.”

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