isisAn almighty Egyptian deity has taken to the spiritual radio network to refute claims she is fronting an Islamic terror network, after being blasted with droves of ‘hate prayers’ in recent weeks.

Trudging along in what seemed to be multi-millennial isolation, the ancient Goddess of protection and welfare Isis was alarmed one morning to find millions of messages littering her ethereal inbox, ranging from pithy curses to furious letters of disgust. This is concerning, given that Isis has been relatively undisturbed for 1700 years.

She said: “Some of the messages were quite hurtful. I have been working hard for 5000 years to make sure the entire human race doesn’t synchronously top itself. Meanwhile these ‘new Gods’ – the bright, young, sparky dickheads they are – doss about all day, taking bets on stuff like when Vladimir Putin might finally snap, hoovering up all the credit for my work.”

“Heaven’s a mess. Things haven’t been the same since Bona Dea, and her faction of loony supporters, went on a mad power trip in 1762 and basically threw a coup. ”

“I met up with Ares last week. Ever since he retired in 1914 all rationality behind the concept of international warfare has been chucked out the window, not that it was particularly strong in the first place. I’ll tell you what – nobody is irreplaceable.”

The Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the terrorist network of the same name, has enjoyed a thriving success in recent weeks, having taken several Iraqi cities by force, following interference in Syria, which led global nuisance Al Qaeda to denounce the group as being “too extreme” for their tastes.