British housewives, girlfriends and life partners alike have come together to rule out the possibility of purchasing a household can of the vanishing free-kick spray used by FIFA referees during this summer’s footballing tournament.
The official spokesperson for British wives said: “We are not sorry. There is absolutely no way that will be putting up with such pointless, gimmicky, impulse purchases.”
“We don’t care how ‘cool’ the vanishing free kick spray may be, or how many of your mates are buying it; it’s stupid; and there is not a single circumstance under which it could be used.”
The statement has upset football supporting-men up and down the country; only adding to their World Cup heartache following England’s exit, and Adrian Chiles’ continued appearances on their televisions.
Matt Hartson, from Scunthorpe, said: “This is an outrage. First they expect us to ‘not embarrass them in public’ and now this? This is yet another symptom of the breakdown of the core British values in our society – and we now find ourselves edging towards the police state we’d all might as well be living in.”
“No,” he added, “I am not overreacting. This is against my human rights. Now I know how the Muslims feel.”
The vanishing spray follows the Vuvuzela in a long list of useless World Cup-related fads that British wives have had to put a stop to their husbands purchasing to comfort themselves following England’s departure from the competition.
The latest iteration of the vanishing free-kick foam has been in use since 2002, but only rose to mainstream prominence during this summer’s 2014 World Cup held in Brazil. There are calls for the foam to be used in the Premier League from next season, but the FA has pulled a FIFA; rejecting the idea (because it isn’t their own, sticking two fingers to innovation in the process.
FIFA, meanwhile, has apologised for taking steps to refresh up the game, following the implementation of vanishing free-kick spray and goal-line technology, promising that steps will be taken to ensure these irresponsible bouts of logic never happen again.