saveiflThe Metropolitan Police has officially confirmed that its police officers best serve the public when told to loiter around disabled people with their hands in their pockets.

About 100 campaigners from the group Disabled People Against Cuts (Dpac) staged an occupation outside Westminster Abbey on Saturday afternoon.

They were protesting against the closure of the Independent Living Fund (ILF), which is supports approximately 18,000 people with severe disabilities.

The government says the £260m fund will be transferred to local authorities, though the money will no longer be ring-fenced, meaning it could be subject to a budget-slash. As such, not all recipients will continue to receive support.

Campaigners, about 40 of whom were wheelchair users, were greeted after 4pm with several banks of police officers (totalling nearly 200) presumably called in to protect the general public – and London itself – from these crazed, extremely dangerous lunatics.


Westminster Abbey occupied in protest against cuts to disability care fund | Kevin Rawlinson


A spokesperson from the Met confirmed: “We are satisfied that the number of officers deployed in Central London today was appropriate, given the potential for such a contentious dispute to kick off. Figuratively, of course.”

“You can never be too sure what’s going to happen at these things. Somebody could have been hiding a shiv up their prosthetic leg. We just don’t know.”

“I mean, we could have just placed all the campaigners onto our big list of domestic terrorists, before tapping their phones to find out what they were… excuse me I go need to do some… police stuff.”

Scotland Yard told media outlets that one arrest had been made before the demonstration dwindled at 9pm. The detainee was taken in after several police officers disrupted the erection of a tent.

A nearby campaigner said that she heard the phrase “stop hitting yourself” being uttered several times, but could not confirm its source.

The majority of police officers, meanwhile, spent the day wishing they were at home watching Brazil take on Chile instead of milling about in a park aimlessly gazing at a small group of disabled people expressing their dissatisfaction with the way things are.

Barry, 45, a petty criminal, said he was initially mystified by the lack of any police presence nearby while he was busy committing an actual crime three streets over.

He stressed that it was essential the Met continues to deploy its officers at low-key events in their hundreds, in such a highly concentrated fashion, instead of actually protecting the public in any capacity.

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