Less than a week since its conception, the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isis) has officially launched a bid to host the 2026 FIFA World Cup.
The Islamic State’s incumbent Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi confirmed plans for an Islamic bid, while taking a break from beheading his chief of staff for telling him he looked a bit chubby in his military uniform, saying: “We have made our intentions clear to the infidel Blatter.”
He added: “Isis will host the FIFA World Cup in 2026 alhamdulillah. But it will not be called the FIFA World Cup, it will be called the ISIS World Cup. And the lucky winner of the ISIS World Cup gets to be the next nation to join our mighty Caliphate.”
Sepp Blatter told media sources last night in Brazil that he had indeed “received an offer that [he] could not refuse” which came as no surprise to local journalists since Blatter’s recent history suggests refusing offers simply isn’t in his nature.
The FIFA President this morning confirmed that there was “no issue with the Isis bid” and that it would be considered as thoroughly as Canada’s, Mexico’s, and Columbia’s, despite Isis not having a football association, let alone any vague notion of a domestic league, let alone an actual football team.
The terrorist organisation, which according to reports has amassed assets in excess of $2 billion, has announced that the tournament will be held in several already existing nations that it has not yet conquered, but will get round to doing so within the next few years.
Isis took to social media platforms earlier this month to announce its five year plan by releasing a photoshopped screenshot from what appeared to be a knock-off copy of Rome II: Total War.
The network’s next goal is to capture the famously Islamic India, with recently sworn-in Prime Minister Nardenra Modi itching to see them try.
Meanwhile, Qatari officials have stepped forward to declare their shock if FIFA eventually allows the Islamic State to stage the competition, highlighting fears that the decision “could not possibly be 100 per cent clean.”