Scientists have no idea what they’re doing, admit scientists

Recent graduate scientists have no clue what they’re doing with themselves, according to new research which they published themselves, mostly on Facebook.  Moments following their graduation ceremony, a class of Biomedical Sciences students clumped together to ask each other about what they’re doing next year, before concluding that they have absolutely no idea how the real world works. Mark, who…

Graduation week? It’s going to be awesome!

Isn’t it amazing? I’m graduating this week. “Oh it’s brilliant – I can’t wait,” sputtered one soon-to-be graduate in a bout of late-onset prickishness. The latest victim of my Twitter cull joins thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, up and down the country in congratulating themselves for somehow miraculously achieving what droves of their peers have also somehow miraculously achieved. Beaming images of former students…

Wayne Rooney submits transfer request to leave England

Wayne Rooney’s representatives have confirmed that the forward has submitted a transfer request to leave the England National Team. The Everton Manchester United PSG Chelsea Manchester United player released a statement following England’s completely unexpected exit from the 2014 FIFA World Cup, revealing it was finally time to move on. The statement read: “I met with Greg Dyke [chairman of the Football Association…

Tories praise “greedy” public sector workers

Conservative politicians have lined up this morning to send out messages of good luck and support to the the one million “greedy” public sector who have decided to take strike action. London Mayor Boris Johnson led the charges, saying: “We all know greed is a valid motivator for economic progress, so salute I must the drive, and zeal, these workers possess to see…

Squatters resist eviction from Grays Inn Road

Squatters occupying a former social centre on Grays Inn Road successfully resisted an eviction attempt by Camden Council on Friday 27 June.  Five occupants, who have been living at 238 Grays Inn Road, Holborn for more than four months were joined by campaigners who had organised an anti-eviction protest which took place at around 9am. Bailiffs, hired to…

Senate House installs nukes to deter bloody hippy students

This piece originally featured in QMessenger 14/12/13 as “Senate House nukes up to deter bloody hippy students”: [Link] University of London senior management confirmed this week plans to install a subterranean nuclear missile facility at Senate House, in order to deter a very small number of radical lefties from protesting against who-the-hell-even-knows. Chief Operating Officer Chris Cobb said,…

Local journalism is so much more than chasing down runaway ave

Having just about recovered from a brief stint at the Observer, I spent a week preparing for a placement at the Ham & High – my (as referred to by morons) local rag. I’d been told to put together three news pitches, and three features. But tougher still was having to deal with the wild preconceptions my mind had somehow conjured. ‘How…