jeremy huntDoctors have confirmed this morning that the National Health Service (NHS) is suffering from a damaging malignant growth that must be surgically removed as quickly as possible. 

It follows Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s recent suggestion that GPs should be ‘named and shamed’ for failing to detect cancer, a condition which is famously impossible to detect until it is too late to cure – clear to anyone with a vague understanding of cancer biology, medicine, or even basic healthcare.

Dr Kevin Greenwood, a member of the BMA, said: “It has been difficult to make sure until now, but it is clear that the NHS has indeed sustained a frightful coalition-shaped growth which must be excised as soon as we can bring ourselves to operate.”

Diagnosing Cancer by Jonathon Tomlinson

Jeremy Hunt, whose healthcare credentials can be summarised on the slip of paper one typically shoves into a fortune cookie, said the move would encourage GPs to refer more patients to specialists – which GPs would indeed be encouraged to do – with or without the cancer.

The move, which has an underlying aim to improve cancer detection, incidentally does not at all directly address improving on the available methods of cancer detection.

Specialists would subsequently be tasked with having to faff around with a higher burden of patients, many of whom may or may not actually need to be there.

NHS Privatisation by Richard Blogger

Out of control 

Jeremy Hunt’s latest bright idea, ranking close to his decision to commission reports into glorified voodoo, follows a Tory minister’s recent outburst, in which she admitted the Government had lost control of the NHS.

Jane Ellison, Public Health Minister, said in a meeting on 8 June: “I don’t know how much any of you realise that with the Lansley act we pretty much gave away control of the NHS, which means that the thing that most people talk about in terms of health [the NHS] … we have some important strategic mechanisms but we don’t really have day-to-day control.”

“From a political point of view, it is a bit like being on a high wire without a net at times, it can be quite exciting.”

Ellison’s words are sure to inject some excitement into the lives of the many thousands of patients passing through the highly strained service on a day-to-day basis, itching to rest in Jeremy Hunt’s comforting arms as he carries them along a high wire without a net – at times.

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A coalition spokesperson, meanwhile, said: “There is nothing wrong with the NHS, apart from its existence. Everything is under control. Wait, scratch that. Erm. Go away. Stop asking so many questions. Thirteen years of Labour. Long-term economic plan. Long-term economic plan. Long-term economic plan.”