New research has gone some way towards solving mainstream football’s greatest mystery, after how former England goalkeeper Rob Green is keeping Brazil number one Julio Cesar out of Championship side QPR’s line up.
A team of scientists from the Hilary Step, Manchester, came to their findings during Belgium’s World Cup clash with USA on Tuesday night, publishing their results on a bit of napkin they left for the barman as a tip before staggering out halfway through the fixture.
The napkin, however, was soon recovered by human anatomical expert Dr Susie Blake, who studied the findings in an impromptu peer review exercise, while incidentally also completely smashed.
She verified the results, heralding the research as “a shcientifhic maaarrrrrvel.”
The mystery behind the shape of Kompany’s head, now proposed to be ‘an elliptical bilaterally-symmetrical heptahedron’, has been the bane of football supporters and sports journalists alike for years.
The latest theory has eclipsed previous suggestions, including ‘massive lop-sided egg’ and ‘weird circle that is bigger than the moon’.
The findings have since been used to determine the skull shapes of similarly puzzling footballers, including Gabriel Obertan (inverted pseudo-ellipsoidal asymmetrical octahedron) and Gervinho (cumbersome pentagonal trapezohedron).
The elusive head shapes of Marouane Fellaini and David Luiz, however, remain indeterminable given the blanketing nature of their fuzzy Sideshow Bob-esque afro hairstyles.