Ministry of Truth

This piece originally featured in QMessenger 14/12/13 as “Senate House nukes up to deter bloody hippy students”: [Link]

University of London senior management confirmed this week plans to install a subterranean nuclear missile facility at Senate House, in order to deter a very small number of radical lefties from protesting against who-the-hell-even-knows.

Chief Operating Officer Chris Cobb said, in a private letter addressed to himself: “We will not tolerate the sort of aggression that these bloody hippy students with their false perceptions of life, and their clever placards, and their skinny jeans…What was I saying?”

Meanwhile, Sir Professor Admiral Viceroy-Chancellor Adrian Gunray Smith told the newspaper via substandard seventies holography: “We encourage free speech, of course we do. The customer is always right, unless the customer expresses a view which differs from our own.”

“It’s our duty as a business to be a university first, and a business second, but more importantly a business first. If we don’t flex our muscles, these pesky kids might, otherwise, take lots of Ketamine round the back of ULU and start smashing things up.”

The construction of a missile silo has proven the next step in a series of measures used to discourage a number of (what can only be described as) super-Marxists from swearing aimlessly, toppling over bins, and sitting in rooms they are not supposed to.

Chris Cobb (actually) said to BBC News: “This is a regrettable but necessary step that we have taken in order to prevent the type of violent and intimidating behaviour that we have seen by protesters at Senate House recently.”

‘3Cosas’ protesters being violent and/or intimidating

Hundreds of police officers have been forcibly removed from their police stations in recent months, to eliminate the threat posed by “stupid students being idiots.”

Although some may argue Met officers may have been a little heavy-handed at times, a spokesperson confirmed there was “nothing to see here,” before directing anybody asking questions to “please, move along.”

The National Day of Action on Wednesday 11 December saw the Met summon choppers, the cavalry, and the Balrog to curtail further reckless protest, only to stand idly by while students took out their frustration on various inanimate waste disposal units.

There were, in addition, unconfirmed reports that the Met slipped a police officer into the violent mob to set up a post-protest game of ‘Where’s Wally?’ back in the office using police helicopter footage.

Related: Standing Around Doing Not Very Much Declared Best Use of Police Time

But the plans to install, and potentially detonate, nuclear devices only metres from the university’s doorstep has been met with confusion, with some members of faculty expressing hopes that their employers would ever-so-kindly refrain from once again publicly shooting themselves in the foot*.

Meanwhile, a very nice man from the University of London’s press department said: “We are not a sinking ship. We are not even a ship. Maybe you students should start using the library more. But preferably not this one.”

“We regret the minor skirmishes that have transpired over the previous few riots – Imeanprotests.”

“These nuclear deterrents will help us to safeguard the safety of our employees, in order to keep them safe. Further dips in staff morale could be quite damaging, given the extent to which we already take the biscuit with our workforce. In any case, we have to spend your money on something. I really hope we can be friends.”

*This link originally redirected to a University of London news release entitled “ULU – the Facts.” This article has since been deleted. But you can check out ULU’s rebuttal here: “The University’s “facts” about ULU.