Scientists have no idea what they’re doing, admit scientists

graduatesRecent graduate scientists have no clue what they’re doing with themselves, according to new research which they published themselves, mostly on Facebook. 

Moments following their graduation ceremony, a class of Biomedical Sciences students clumped together to ask each other about what they’re doing next year, before concluding that they have absolutely no idea how the real world works.

Mark, who graduated with a first, said: “Since my last exam seven weeks ago, all I’ve been doing is watching the World Cup and making jam from almost-gone-off cherries from the back of my fridge.”

“I know a lot about the physiological process of the actin-myosin mechanism and its role in muscle contraction, but I don’t even know where to put my name on my CV.”

The jam, which tastes horrible, is symptomatic of postgraduate blues, a condition which also involves watching Jeremy Kyle ironically but secretly enjoying it, and signing up for a gym membership using your graduate discount but only attending three sessions after the induction.


Graduate Life: Graduation week? It’s going to be awesome!


Another graduate, who left the university in 2009, has used her Bachelor of Sciences degree to secure a job as a ‘genius’ at her local Apple store.

He said: “Sometimes I look back on those three incredible years, and I think – was it worth it?”

“But the look on the faces of those customers teeming in to the shop, confused why their knock off, budget charging accessories start fires instead of charge their products, make me think – yes, tonight. Tonight is the night I’m going to jump off the Shard.”

“But then I remember I can’t actually afford to go to the top of the Shard, given how little I’m actually paid. What am I like?!”

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