Hospital foodPictures of food served in hospitals will no longer resemble material extracted from the bowels of a patient, the Health Secretary has confirmed.

An NHS spokesperson said: “Year-on-year patients grasping for a modicum of solace in a time of pain moan about the sight of their food making them lose their will to live or something like that.”

“Yeah, so we figured we should probably do something about it.”

Under new guidelines the standard of hospital food photography must be raised from ‘get that filth out of my face’ to ‘is there really nothing else in the fridge?’

The spokesperson added: “If hospitals fail to comply everyone working there will be forced to eat this muck for a week and see how they like it.”