It’s been a year, Jeremy. A whole year. I suppose a year’s a long time to take a summer holiday, you know. But we need to excise ourselves from these meaningless labels, like Summer, and time.

I’ve learnt a lot on my journey. No. We’ve learnt a lot. Together. Not by sitting at home, in our jammyjams, watching cheap commercial television which enslaves us like mindless drones. No, Jeremy. But by sitting at home, in our jammyjams, reading my new book about the Revolution (RRP £20); sitting by our dimly lit lamps – which in turn sit joylessly bedside us. And they’re dimly-lit for a reason, Jeremy.

Our planet is being destroyed. The energy companies, in collusion with big banks, in collusion with mainstream media, in collusion with the bureaucratic Westminster office monkeys, have been maximising their profits so much they’ve made even more maximised profits than when they maximised their profits when they maximised their profits the last time.

But this journey that we’ve taken together, RRP £20, is our journey. And even though it’s taken one year, it’s been timeless. Because you see, Jeremy – you see – what is time? I’ll tell you, Jeremy. Time is an entirely artificial construct woven from the very fabric of the repressive diktats of prehistoric ideologues, who were determined to impose their rigid repressive organisational agenda upon us, creating a new underclass, so we, the ordinary people, can be told by figures of authority what time to get up in the morning; when to catch the train; when to go to the book shop, RRP £20; so we could ask each other meaningless questions like “What’s the time? My Samsung Galaxy iPhone 5S just ran out of battery” instead of focussing on the legitimate issues of today, like how ordinary people like me, RRP £20, were screwed by the big banks, in collusion with Miley Cyrus, in collusion with the mainstream media, in collusion with tax-dodging, consumer-friendly, heartless but reliable book retailers like Amazon.

But it’s been a touching journey, Jeremy. Movements – like the E15 Mums, them #GuardianLive events, and my new book, RRP £20, which is very dear to me – have inspired me to propagate my revolution; our revolution – and turn up to the occasional protest wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. And it will be peaceful, Jeremy. It will be peaceful. Because it probably won’t happen. 

But first we need to reject the system. We need to reject the Westminster elite, in collusion with the big banks, in collusion with Jens Lehman, in collusion with the Westminster elite. Because, Jeremy, capitalism is unsustainable (RRP £20) and first we need to reject the system, but not before you buy my book.

But look, Jeremy, I can’t tell you, or me, or ordinary people like me what to do. This isn’t about me. This has nothing to do with me. This is all about my book – written by me. But I’m not going to tell you what to do, Jeremy. Just buy my book. Buy my book. Buy it now. Spend every last measly penny if you have to, and buy it. Stop what you’re doing. Get your card out. And shove it into your disk drive.