God sentenced to two years for trolling mankind

God has been sentenced to two years in prison after being found guilty of continuously abusive trolling. Though he plead guilty, the judge looked unfavourably upon God after the deity was caught sniggering in the stands during a stark confession that Isis was the product of a lengthy bender with Moses and Mohammed. God tried to argue that Isis had been a…

Doctor SHAMED after sonic screwdriver found to be made by kids in Taiwanese sweatshop

The sonic screwdriver proudly wiggled around by the Twelfth Doctor is put together in ‘sweatshop’ conditions by children earning 23 pence AN HOUR. This is the space gadget used time and again by the Doctor to cowardly flee from a host of sticky situations. The same can’t be said for the thousands of kids working up to 38 hours per day to make it. Said one sweatshopper: “He made us work…

Immigration census to be replaced by looking out of the window

Key analytical methods used to collect data on immigration in the UK will be replaced by looking out of the window, a government source can reveal. From December, bodies such as the Office for National Statistics will rely on a combination of peeking out from through office blinds, and compiling anecdotal evidence conveyed by anxious country folk via the medium of radio phone-in. Peter…

Schools to ‘prepare students for university’ by slashing teaching timetable to five hours per week

Teachers will aim to give schools pupils the best chance to thrive at university by reducing their teaching timetable to five hours per week, leaked plans show. The proposals will be introduced in tandem with a programme of school trips to local high street betting shops so students can accurately grasp “the harrowing feeling of being needlessly indebted to a vague monolithic entity.” “The…

Sol Campbell launches humanitarian appeal for victims of mansion tax

Footballing icon Sol Campbell will launch a charity initiative to raise money for innocent, unsuspecting victims of Labour’s “cruel” mansion tax, should Ed Miliband’s band of headless ferrets dribble into government come May. “This tax is cruel and unfair, and ridiculous, and totally cruel,” said Campbell, adding: “This is a matter of principal, pure and simple. It’s about…