Key analytical methods used to collect data on immigration in the UK will be replaced by looking out of the window, a government source can reveal.
From December, bodies such as the Office for National Statistics will rely on a combination of peeking out from through office blinds, and compiling anecdotal evidence conveyed by anxious country folk via the medium of radio phone-in.
Peter Finch from Norwich said: “The government might call them statistics. We call them lies. Gut feeling’s the best way when it comes to knowing how many foreigners might be living in your area.”
“Look. Immigration isn’t talked about enough in the biased mainstream leftwing marxist liberal politically-correct BBC media. We’re very worried about these bloody immigrants coming over here and taking our jobs, and we’re glad there’s finally on official ‘these bloody immigrants coming over here and taking our jobs’ party that represents our views,” added Mr Finch.
The question of ‘uncontrolled immigration’ has seen the popularity of the official These Bloody Immigrants Coming Over Here and Taking Our Jobs Party soar in areas with unacceptably sweltering numbers of non-white British residents, like Clacton (7.2%), Rotherham (8.1%), and Rochester (9.3%).
But all previous data, facts, and reports are to be destroyed as the government starts to clamp down on the immigration crisis that is almost definitely a real thing.