Teachers will aim to give schools pupils the best chance to smiling teacherbthrive at university by reducing their teaching timetable to five hours per week, leaked plans show.

The proposals will be introduced in tandem with a programme of school trips to local high street betting shops so students can accurately grasp “the harrowing feeling of being needlessly indebted to a vague monolithic entity.”

“The sharp reduction of teaching hours might come as a shock to some of our students,” said Mr Pringle, a headteacher from London.

“We need to our students to grow accustomed to having absolutely nothing to do for most of the week whilst racking up thousands of pounds of debt,” he added.

In order to help pupils adapt to life beyond the classroom schools will instruct parents to restrict their children’s access to heating during the winter, to occasionally plant mould spores in their bedrooms, and to exclusively feed them a strict diet of pasta, tomato soup, and baked beans.