Evidence revealed in the ongointim roth FIFAg FBI investigation into FIFA has shown that senior level executives turned down multi-million dollar bribes to see United Passions.

Senior officials declined to put themselves through the sheer pain of a 100-minute exercise in pomp and vanity, it is alleged.

In its opening weekend, the film raked in just under $200,000 worldwide and only $607 in the US, having been produced on a budget totalling $32 million.

Since the FBI arrested a raft of senior FIFA officials, it has been suggested that former FIFA vice-president Jack Warner stole $750,000 of Haiti earthquake money [allegedly], that FIFA paid the Irish football association $5 million to sit down and shut up [allegedly], and that figures at the highest level had a hand in rigging the France 1998, South Africa 2010Russia 2018, and Qatar 2022 World Cups [allegedly].

One anonymous executive said: “I’m not fussed about sweating my way through 55-degree, Mad Max-like conditions, watching a 0-0 stalemate in a stadium put together from the bones of its constructors, but you couldn’t pay my to sit through this sick filth we’ve just released.”

Tim Roth, meanwhile, insisted he was “not going full Nick Cage” after starring in two huge box office flops, the Grace of Monaco and United Passions, within a few months of one another. “You never go full Nick Cage,” he replied.