PM Hints at Military Airsrikes to Quell Labour Civil War

“That bearded despot”

David Cameron will push for military intervention in the Labour civil war if “that bearded despot” continues to gain momentum, a source close to Number 10 has revealed.

In a decisive shift in policy the Prime Minister said the widening range of viewpoints in the mainstream narrative, on rail nationalisation and alternatives to austerity for example, is “unacceptable”.

An initial plan to arm the moderates fizzled after it become clear the membership had shifted significantly to the left. The Prime Minister is now seriously considering the use of drone strikes in the name of self defence; particularly in one potential scenario that will see Corbyn’s popularity spike among non-voters.

David Cameron said: “Jeremy Corbyn is a brutal dictator who needs to be stopped. He is a threat to our national security, our economic security, and your family’s security,” adding “his scruffiness is disrespectful, and the potatoes in his allotment are rubbish.”

‘My potatoes are incredible’

The radical extremist Jeremy Cor Byn Laden reportedly told allies at a rally last week: “It is true that in the past I shared a platform with some very unsavoury characters like Andy Burnham and Liz Kendall. I make no apologies for calling them ‘friends’ given the context of the meetings that we held.”

“Military intervention is wrong. The use of drone warfare is wrong. My potatoes are incredible. But above all it is important that we find a political solution to this crisis as part of a wider coalition.”

Post-Conflict Planning

Question marks have been raised over the PM’s attention to post-conflict planning after he insisted the Conservatives would not accept any refugees from Labour following a Tory charm offensive.

One senior aide, who wishes to remain anonymous, said a local councillor who bumped into David Cameron’s chauffeur in the pub [Or was it Alton Towers? Please check – KAS] strongly hinted the PM did not want “neoliberal John Rentoul-types joining so they could vote in Boris”. Photographs of the Prime Minister performing an appallingly tasteless Boris impression allegedly exist.

Cameron, meanwhile, was attacked by the Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron for “turning his back” on the hundreds of thousands of political refugees seeking a new party. Farron said “anybody is welcome to join us; from Labour, the SNP, or the Greens, or even Ukip. Honestly we’re desperate.”


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