Corbyn Pledges To “Nuke The S***” Out Of Russia In Dramatic U-Turn

Jeremy Corbyn has promised that if elected Prime Minister he would unleash a torrent of nuclear death upon our Russian foes and its scores of civilians. The Leader of the Opposition told Her Majesty’s Today programme: “We have had a think as a party. We have had a comprehensive review of our defence policy and I have revised my position. “I…

PM Hints at Military Airsrikes to Quell Labour Civil War

David Cameron will push for military intervention in the Labour civil war if “that bearded despot” continues to gain momentum, a source close to Number 10 has revealed. In a decisive shift in policy the Prime Minister said the widening range of viewpoints in the mainstream narrative, on rail nationalisation and alternatives to austerity for example, is “unacceptable”. An initial…

Islamic State Struggling To Expand Tourism Industry

The So-Called Islamic State (S-CIS) has been struggling to meet ambitious targets to expand its “sub-par” tourism industry, according to a leaked internal report.  The internal appraisal, conducted by the Minister for Infidel Relations, concluded the wannabe nation state was found lacking in a number of key areas thought to drive tourism, including affording visitors the courtesy of being allowed to…

Study: Most lab mice oblivious to impending horrors

Most laboratory mice kept by scientists across the UK are blissfully unaware of the torturous and life-altering experiments set to befall them, a study has shown. The new research was conducted by a team of researchers looking for better things to do than to continue working on a thoroughly interesting long-term study into G protein-coupled…

Immigrant earning £34,500 suddenly willing to put up with boss’s terrible jokes

A foreign national on £34,500 per year has grown a sudden liking towards his manager’s utterly tasteless sense of humour, it has emerged. The 32-year-old Korean national, who has lived and worked in the UK for 4 years, is fluent in four languages and teaches the clarinet to underprivileged schoolchildren on Saturdays. The change of heart, which has come almost overnight, has “absolutely nothing” to…

FIFA Latest: Execs “turned down bribes” to see United Passions

Evidence revealed in the ongoing FBI investigation into FIFA has shown that senior level executives turned down multi-million dollar bribes to see United Passions. Senior officials declined to put themselves through the sheer pain of a 100-minute exercise in pomp and vanity, it is alleged. In its opening weekend, the film raked in just under $200,000 worldwide and only $607 in the US, having been produced…

Next Labour Leader Must Appeal to Voters’ ‘Inner Bastard’

If the next leader of the Labour party is to stand any chance of becoming Prime Minister, he or she must appeal to the British public’s inner sense of behaving like a total bastard, according to a leading think tank. Barry Barry, Bastard-in-Chief from the Institute for Bastards, said: “The next Labour leader could be a slimy bastard, a calculating…