Immigration census to be replaced by looking out of the window

Key analytical methods used to collect data on immigration in the UK will be replaced by looking out of the window, a government source can reveal. From December, bodies such as the Office for National Statistics will rely on a combination of peeking out from through office blinds, and compiling anecdotal evidence conveyed by anxious country folk via the medium of radio phone-in. Peter…

Schools to ‘prepare students for university’ by slashing teaching timetable to five hours per week

Teachers will aim to give schools pupils the best chance to thrive at university by reducing their teaching timetable to five hours per week, leaked plans show. The proposals will be introduced in tandem with a programme of school trips to local high street betting shops so students can accurately grasp “the harrowing feeling of being needlessly indebted to a vague monolithic entity.” “The…

Sol Campbell launches humanitarian appeal for victims of mansion tax

Footballing icon Sol Campbell will launch a charity initiative to raise money for innocent, unsuspecting victims of Labour’s “cruel” mansion tax, should Ed Miliband’s band of headless ferrets dribble into government come May. “This tax is cruel and unfair, and ridiculous, and totally cruel,” said Campbell, adding: “This is a matter of principal, pure and simple. It’s about…

Breaking. Government minister tells truth

In an unprecedented twist in the Conservative party’s confusing dance with Europe, a junior minister has reportedly told the truth in an interview earlier today. Nick Boles, the Minister of State for Skills and Enterprise, revealed: “We may never be able to control [free movement] entirely, because it’s a fundamental principle of the EU, but it will be very hard…

Michael Fallon told to ‘try harder to hide prejudices’

The defence secretary Michael Fallon has been ordered by Number 10 to try harder in future to cover up his disdain for foreigners, following an unprovoked outburst. Speaking on the Prime Minister’s EU wishlist, he told Sky News on Sunday: “The Germans haven’t seen our proposals yet and we haven’t seen our proposals yet, and that’s still being worked…

What I did on my summer hollywolls – by Russell Brand

It’s been a year, Jeremy. A whole year. I suppose a year’s a long time to take a summer holiday, you know. But we need to excise ourselves from these meaningless labels, like Summer, and time. I’ve learnt a lot on my journey. No. We’ve learnt a lot. Together. Not by sitting at home, in our jammyjams, watching cheap commercial…